Funny ex husband quotes can be a great way to vent your frustrations, get a good laugh, or even just share a good joke about divorce. They can also be used to express appreciation for the humor in a situation, or to lighten the mood after a difficult divorce. Whether you’re looking for something to make your friends laugh or something more serious, there’s sure to be an ex-husband quote that will hit the spot. So, if you’re ready for some laughs, here are some of the funniest ex-husband quotes out there!”My ex-husband is living proof that a person can spend a small fortune on education and still be an idiot.”
“My ex-husband said he wanted to be friends. I told him, ‘No, I want you to get hit by a speeding bus.'”
“The best thing my ex-husband ever did for me was to teach me how to spot red flags early in relationships.”
“My ex-husband was so cheap, he thought ‘free’ was too expensive.”
“I used to think my ex-husband was an idiot. Then I realized how much money he spent on his new wife’s plastic surgery and thought, ‘Wow, he’s really not that smart.'”
Best Ex Husband Jokes
Ex husbands make for some of the best jokes, as they are often the source of much comedic material. From their lack of understanding in relationships to their tendency to do whatever they think is right, ex husbands can make for some very funny stories. Here are some of the best ex husband jokes around:
Q: What did the ex husband say when his wife told him she was pregnant?
A: Is it mine?
Q: What did the ex husband say after his wife said she wanted a divorce?
A: Can I keep the house?
Q: What did the ex husband say when his wife asked him why he cheated on her?
A: I don’t know, it just happened.
Q: What did the ex husband say when his wife asked him if he was ever going to change?
A: No, I like who I am.
Laugh Out Loud Quotes About Ex Husbands
When it comes to dealing with the pain of a former relationship, sometimes laughter is the best medicine. After all, it’s better to laugh than cry! Here are some funny quotes about ex-husbands that will make you laugh out loud.
“My ex-husband is so mean, he makes medicine sick.”
“My ex-husband was like a piece of furniture – I used to walk around him and never noticed him.”
“I used to think my ex-husband was normal until I met his new girlfriend…and then I realized he was an idiot!”
“My ex-husband was always trying to tell me what to do. Now that he’s gone, I can finally do what I want!”
“My ex-husband had the nerve to tell me I was too clingy – obviously he didn’t realize how clingy he was!”
“My ex-husband could never make up his mind. He always wanted both options at the same time.”
“When my ex-husband tried to be nice, it just reminded me why we got divorced in the first place!”
“When my ex-husband said ‘I love you,’ it felt more like an order than a declaration of love.”
“My ex-husband is like a bad penny: no matter how many times you throw him away, he always comes back.”
So laugh away – your former hubby isn’t worth shedding any tears over!
Sarcastic Quotes About Ex Husbands
It’s no secret that divorce can be an emotionally painful experience, and for many people, the only way to make it through is to find humor in the situation. Here are some sarcastic quotes about ex-husbands that will make you laugh and remind you that life goes on:
“My ex-husband is a big believer in ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.’ Which explains why our marriage ended.”
“My ex-husband still thinks he’s smarter than me. He must be right, because I married him!”
“Some people are so desperate to get married they’ll accept anything — even my ex-husband.”
“My ex-husband always had a way with words… but usually only when arguing or asking for a loan.”
“My ex-husband used to tell me I was overreacting — now he’s dating someone who does the same thing!”
“I’m so glad I’m not married to my ex-husband anymore. He was always so negative about everything.”
“My ex-husband used to complain about how messy I was — now he’s dating someone who leaves clothes strewn all over their apartment!”
Witty Sayings About Ex Husbands
Ex-husbands can be a source of amusement and entertainment, especially when it comes to witty sayings about them. There are so many hilarious one-liners that poke fun and make light of the situation. Here are some of the funniest sayings that will have you rolling on the floor with laughter:
“My ex-husband was like a pen, he had no point.”
“My ex-husband’s idea of a romantic evening was to go out for fast food.”
“My ex-husband gave me the silent treatment – which was great because I wanted to get some peace and quiet!”
“My ex-husband always said ‘I love you’ with his wallet.”
“My ex-husband was so cheap, even the fleas on our dog refused to live with him!”
“My ex-husband’s idea of a perfect date night was watching TV together while eating nachos.”
“My ex-husband never put any effort into our relationship – he was like an empty beer can – all shaken up and ready to be thrown away!”
“My ex-husband thought being romantic meant never leaving the house.”
These witty sayings about ex husbands will leave you in stitches and make your divorce a little easier to cope with. So don’t forget to share these hilarious quips with your friends!
Funny Comebacks to Ex-Husband Comments
Coming up with funny comebacks to ex-husband comments can be a tricky affair. After all, you want to be witty without being too harsh or insulting. Nevertheless, it’s important to know how to respond in a clever way when your ex says something that is inappropriate or hurtful. Here are some ideas for funny comebacks that can help you handle the situation with grace and humor.
If your ex comments on your appearance in an unflattering way, you can reply with something like, “You must have me confused with someone who cares about what you think!” This lighthearted response will let them know that their words are not having the intended effect.
If your ex is being overly critical of something you do or say, try responding with a joke. For example, if they make an observation about how you spend money, you could reply with something like, “Well if I’m going to make poor decisions I might as well have fun doing it!” This will show them that their criticism is not appreciated while also lightening the mood.
Another great comeback to an ex-husband’s comments is simply telling them that they sound jealous. If they make a remark about your new relationship or lifestyle choices, simply reply by saying something like, “Sounds like someone’s jealous!” This will let them know that they are out of line while also making it clear that their opinion does not matter to you.
Finally, if your ex keeps bringing up things from the past in order to start an argument, try turning the tables on them by pointing out one of their own flaws. For instance, if they accuse you of being too controlling during your marriage, respond by saying something like, “You have no room to talk – remember when you were so stubborn about X?” This playfully reminds them of their own mistakes and helps diffuse any tension between the two of you.
No matter what kind of comment your ex makes towards you – whether it’s flattering or derogatory – it’s important to stay calm and remain composed. Remember that there are plenty of clever and humorous comebacks available for almost any situation; all it takes is a bit of quick thinking and wit!
Amusing Insults for Ex-Husbands
It’s always satisfying to get revenge on an ex-husband, especially if he’s been a complete jerk. But getting revenge does not necessarily mean getting violent – sometimes, a few well-crafted insults can do just the trick. Here are some amusing insults for ex-husbands that will help you get your point across without resorting to physical violence:
“You have all the charm of a dead slug.”
“You must have been born on a highway, because that’s where most accidents happen.”
“If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.”
“If you spoke your mind, you’d be speechless.”
“You have a face only a mother could love – and even she’s reconsidering it.”
“If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive!”
“I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!”
“You’re so ugly when you look in the mirror, your reflection ducks!”
Humorous One-Liners About Ex-Husbands
My ex-husband had a lot of flaws, but at least he was good for a laugh. From his silly jokes to his awkward attempts at romance, there were plenty of humorous moments during our marriage. Here are some funny one-liners about ex-husbands that I’ve gathered over the years:
“If your ex-husband says he’s going to do something, don’t hold your breath—he’ll be late.”
“My ex-husband married me for my looks, but divorced me for my personality!”
“My ex-husband used to say that I was the best thing that ever happened to him—until he met his new wife!”
“My ex-husband said I was too needy and demanding. Now he’s married someone else who’s just as needy and demanding as me!”
“My ex-husband used to tell me that I was special…now he tells everyone else the same thing!”
“My ex-husband said that I never gave him enough attention. Now he has someone who gives him too much attention!”
Conclusion
Funny ex husband quotes can be a great way to show someone that you have moved on. They can add some humor to an otherwise uncomfortable situation and help you to get through it. While these quotes may not always be appropriate, they can definitely make you feel better. Remember that while funny ex husband quotes may make you laugh, they should not be used as a way to hurt someone else.
No matter what your situation is, funny ex husband quotes can be a great way to help you cope with the end of a relationship. Whether you are just starting out or have been divorced for some time, funny ex husband quotes can help lighten the mood and make the transition easier for both parties involved.