std funny quotes

Welcome to the world of hilarious and hilarious-adjacent quotes! Whether you’re looking for a good laugh, or just need something to brighten up your day, these funny quotes are sure to do the trick. From the zany to the downright silly, you’ll find something here that will make you chuckle and help lighten your mood. So sit back, relax, and get ready for a good chuckle!1. “I don’t have an attitude problem, I have an attitude solution!” – Jim Gaffigan
2. “I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention.” – Rodney Dangerfield
3. “My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.” – Jerry Seinfeld
4. “I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.” – Mitch Hedberg
5. “My therapist said, ‘You’re going through a lot right now.’ And I said, ‘I know! That’s why I need a therapist!'” – Amy Schumer
6. “Some people say ‘What’s the zombie’s favorite type of music?’ I don’t know, whatever kind of music they like…dead!” – Jeff Foxworthy
7. “If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me!” – Chris Rock
8. “It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.” – Rodney Dangerfield
9. “My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana and I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.'” – Mitch Hedberg
10. “Whenever someone asks me if I have any hobbies, my answer is always ‘eating’” – Jo Koy

The Most Hilarious Quotes from Stand-up Comedy

There’s nothing quite like a good stand-up comedy routine to lighten up the mood and bring a room full of people together with laughter. Some of the funniest quotes from stand-up comedy are truly timeless, and no matter how many times you’ve heard them, they’ll still make you laugh. Here are some of the most hilarious quotes from stand-up comedians:

“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams

“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.” – Mitch Hedberg

“I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up — they have no holidays.” – Henny Youngman

“I was so poor growing up… if I wasn’t a boy… I’d have had nothing to play with.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes.” – Lewis Grizzard

“I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get divorced, I keep the house.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” – Steve Landesberg

Hilarious Jokes from Stand-up Comedians

Nothing can beat the hilarity of stand-up comedians. They have the ability to make any audience burst out in laughter with their hilarious quips and jokes. Whether it’s a one-liner or a long story, stand-up comedians are sure to leave you in splits. Here is a list of some of the funniest jokes from stand-up comedians around the world:

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“I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” – Emo Philips

“Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!” – Billy Connolly

“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” – Fred Allen

“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” – Dave Barry

“My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.” – Walter Matthau

Funny Quotes from the World of Stand-up Comedy

The world of stand-up comedy is full of laughs, and one way to keep the laughter going is through funny quotes. Whether it’s a one-liner or a witty observation, these quotes can make us laugh out loud or just chuckle to ourselves. Here are some of the funniest quotes from some of the best stand-up comedians around:

“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.” – Steven Wright

“I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.” – Mitch Hedberg

“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen

“I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.” – Demetri Martin

“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.” – George Carlin

“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner!” – Lynda Montgomery

Classic Stand-up Jokes That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud

Laughter is a great way to lighten the mood, and what better way to get a laugh than with some classic stand-up jokes? Whether you’re looking for something to get a few chuckles out of your friends or something to break the ice at your next party, these classic stand-up jokes are sure to do the trick.

One of the most classic stand-up jokes is: “Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!” This joke is simple yet effective and has been around for ages. It’s a great one to break the ice at any social gathering or as an opener for any stand-up performance.

Another classic stand-up joke is: “What did one wall say to the other wall? I’ll meet you at the corner!” This joke has been around for quite some time and is always sure to get a few laughs. It’s also great for any situation, whether it be in a casual conversation or as part of a stand-up routine.

Other classic jokes include: “Why did the clown cross the road? To get to the other circus!” and “What did one snowman say to another snowman? Do you smell carrots?” These are two timeless classics that are sure to bring a smile and some laughter wherever they go. They can be used in any situation, from casual conversations to stand-up routines.

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These classic stand-up jokes are sure to make anyone laugh out loud. Whether you’re looking for something funny for your friends or an opener for your next performance, these jokes are sure to do the trick. So don’t hesitate – give them a try and enjoy some good old fashioned laughter!

Popular Stand-up Comedy Quotes to Crack You Up

Laughter is the best medicine, and these quotes from some of the funniest stand-up comedians of all time can add a little extra joy to your day. Whether you’re looking for some inspiration or just a good laugh, here are some of the funniest stand-up comedy quotes ever.

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” – Steven Wright

“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” – Emo Philips

“If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.” – Steve Martin

“I’ve been doing a lot of abstract painting lately – abstracted from reality.” – Steven Wright

“I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.” – Steven Wright

“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.” – Unknown

The Funniest Quips and One-liners From the World of Stand-up Comedy

Stand-up comedy is an art form that has been around for centuries, with some of the greatest comedians to ever take the stage delivering memorable moments that have lived on in infamy. From Jerry Seinfeld to Dave Chappelle, many of the most iconic comedians have had their share of hilarious quips and one-liners. Here are some of the funniest quips and one-liners from the world of stand-up comedy.

Jerry Seinfeld’s “It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.” is a classic example of his deadpan delivery. Another great Seinfeld quote is “A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”

Dave Chappelle’s “You know you’re drinking too much coffee when you jump out of a car and forget you were driving” is one of his most memorable lines. He also once said “You know why there’s a Second Amendment? In case the government fails to follow the first one!”

George Carlin famously said “Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town” which was both humorous and thought provoking. He also famously quipped “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”

Ellen DeGeneres has had her share of hilarious moments too, including her famous line “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now and we don’t know where she is.” She also once said “If we’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?”

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Ricky Gervais always brings something funny to any situation, such as when he said “I love animals, they taste great!” He also once joked “I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.”

Louis C.K.’s dark humor often leaves his audience in stitches, such as when he joked “Sometimes when I’m talking, my words can’t keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.” He also once said: “People who don’t like dogs never get invited over for dinner”.

These are just some examples of some classic quips and one-liners from some legendary stand-up comedians that will leave audiences laughing for decades to come!

Ridiculously Funny Stand-up Comedy Jokes

Stand-up comedy has been around for centuries, providing laughter and entertainment for people all over the world. There are many different styles of stand-up comedy, but one of the most popular is the joke. Jokes can range from lighthearted puns to dark, edgy humor, but they all have one thing in common: they’re funny. Here are some of the funniest stand-up comedy jokes out there.

“My dad used to say ‘always fight fire with fire’, which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”

“I was so poor growing up … if I wasn’t a boy … I’d have nothing to play with.”

“Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide!”

“I’m not easily impressed – I’m usually oblivious to whatever’s going on.”

“What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!”

“Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!”

“What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!”

“Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.”

“What did one wall say to the other wall? I’ll meet you at the corner!”

“What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something!” <

Conclusion

Funny quotes offer us a unique way to express ourselves, to explore different perspectives, and to foster more meaningful connections with others. They are an excellent way to lighten the mood and bring a smile to our face. Whether we are looking for inspiration or simply want to add some humor into our lives, funny quotes can be a great source of entertainment. These quotes make us think, laugh, and even give us hope in difficult times. With the right quote at the right moment, it’s possible to completely transform our outlook on life.

If you’re looking for funny quotes that will make you laugh out loud and appreciate life just a little bit more, then look no further than this collection of hilarious sayings. From witty one-liners to funny observations about life, these humorous quotes will bring a smile to your face and remind you that laughter truly is the best medicine.

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